Luis Polonia...The Man, The Pedophile

Sometimes a player or coach doesn't have to spend much time with the Yankees for the fans to embrace him. And sometimes the player really enjoys embracing the fans. Even the little ones. It's time to find out where True Yankee ends and sick pervert begins.


The Numbers.


TRUE YANKEE QUALITIES

Member of the 2000 World Championship team: +100 TYP

I cannot emphasize enough how important World Series titles are to True Yankees. That is why True Yankee fans complain about not winning championships when they already have 26 to cuddle up next to at night. Luis sported a manly .500 BA in the World Series. Of course, he was only 1-2.

Was a member of the 1996 Atlanta Braves : + 25 TYP

The Yankees hate the Red Sox. This is well known. Not as widely recognized is their hatred for the Braves. No modern World Series wins have been as satisfying as '96 and '99 against the Braves. Atlanta represents the anti-Yankee. Sure, they win, but they only won a single championship, don't spend an exorbitant amount of money, don't make the tabloids on a regular basis, don't burn through managers like they were toilet paper. Plus, their owner, Ted Turner, is possibly an even bigger bag of douche than Steinbrenner.

During the Series, Polonia went 0-5 with 3 strikeouts. Played like a True Yankee saboteur; we salute you, Mr. Polonia.

Ranked #54 on some random guy's list of Top 100 Angels of all-time: +25 TYP

Seriously.

I'm not making this up. This is what the Yankees do. "We" steal other teams' beloved players and make them "our" own. Then "we" act like he was one of "us" all along.

Pinch hit for David Ortiz in the World Baseball Classic: +10 TYP

Even washed-up former Yankees are better than the best Red Sox hitter in his prime. Apparently, Mr. Clutch "Big Papi" simply could not bring as much to the table in the big spot as the 42-year old. Sounds about right to me.

Did 5 separate tours with the Yankees: +25

The Yankees do whatever they want and sign whomever they please. So, if they repeatedly want you back, even after trading you away, that is a sign that you are doing something correctly.

NON-TRUE YANKEE QUALITIES

Was a member of the 1995 Atlanta Braves: -150 TYP


How dare he win a ring with a team that is not the Yankees! Plus, he even contributed: going 4-14 with a homer and 4 RBI. You may wonder why winning with another team counts against him more than winning with the Yankees counts for him. That would be a fair, yet stupid question. You would be forgetting that True Yankees like not losing better than winning. Thus, when they lose, someone else wins. Logically, True Yankees dislike losing more than not winning. Again, try to keep up.

Had intercourse with a 15-year old girl and was subsequently convicted of statutory rape: -2000 TYP

Ugh. (Note how I linked to an Orioles site for this so as to distance the Yankees from this deplorable act.)
To be honest, you can put any number you want on this, and it's not big enough. This is pretty much the worst thing you can do while representing the Yankees. That includes killing a nice, old lady. Even if that lady is Suzyn Waldman. See, here's the thing about True Yankee fans: most of "us" are degenerate assholes, but "we" get all indignant about certain things like raping women and defaming churches. Do blow, drive drunk, take steroids; "we" honestly don't care. But if you do one of these acts that draw "our" True Yankee ire, do not expect "our" love and affection.

Further, True Yankees do not have to resort to these pathetic tactics; True Yankees can have their pick of the entire pool of consenting-aged eligible women. In fact, they don't even have to try. They can point and fire off witty one-liners indicating that the woman in question is lucky enough to have been selected by a True Yankee (probably not something as clever and blatant as "you're with me, leather", but you get the idea). Plus, if this act was eventually discovered, the girl must have complained to someone. So, not only did he have sex with a 15-year old, he performed badly enough that she either had to alert the authorities or cry to her parents. All around, beyond a non-True Yankee effort.

FINAL TOTAL: -1965 TYP

It's official: there are a few things that can outweigh being a member of a celebrated Yankee championship team. Committing a sex crime is one of those things. At least we got to hear the occasional visiting team play Sam Cooke's "Only Sixteen" when Polonia came up to bat. That was fun.

Joltin' Joe

OK, now we're getting somewhere.

At first look, you don't get more True Yankee than this guy - he's the Yankee freaking Clipper! But we don't know for sure until the True Yankee Score has been calculated, so here we go!
The numbers - just unreal. Arguably one of the best 5 centerfielders of all time. If the True Yankee pantheon can rightfully claim this guy, it's one hell of a feather in their pinstriped cap. A true all-around player - didn't steal bases, but hit for average and power, played a top-notch CF in a huge outfield, and accomplished perhaps the most difficult feat in the history of sports.

True Yankee Qualities:

Nine Titles in Thirteen Years: +1000 TYP


This goes beyond the mundane Yankee mandate to win at all times. Dimaggio had to hit in front of Gehrig for his first three years. Think about that - a 21-year old rookie came in, hitting in Babe Ruth's spot, and was an instant superstar. There aren't many athletes that succeed immediately when asked to follow one of the best to ever play (Scottie Pippen, I'm looking at you). Sure, the Yankees had other great players on those teams - but Dimaggio was better than any of them. And keep in mind the fact that DiMaggio played in a stadium that was an absolute nightmare for righthanded power hitters - Bill James says that DiMaggio probably lost more home runs to his home park than any player in major league history.

The Streak: + 500 TYP

Perhaps the safest record in all of team sports - the only baseball accomplishments even close are Ripken's and Larsen's. No one's breaking this anytime soon, and True Yankees set the standard to which everyone aspires.

Boinked Marilyn Monroe: +250 TYP


Jeter, Mantle, and even Kyle Farnsworth know all about this. There is no greater perk in sports than the fine females that flock to athletes in a big city, and playing center field in the Bronx is probably the greatest home-field advantage in history. Not even fair - Kennedy was probably jealous of this guy... because DiMaggio bagged Marilyn when she was in her youthful prime.



True Yankees bring home the prom queen, and Marilyn was bigger than Jessica Alba, Christie Brinkley, or Roseanne have ever been or ever will be.


The Song: + 200 TYP

It's easy to overlook this, but that would be a mistake. Sure, nowadays it's commonplace for athletes to appear in rap videos or release god-awful recordings of their own (see Bryant, Kobe, or even worse, Artest, Ron). But in 1941, this simply didn't happen. Most athletes were considered to be outside of entertainment business. True Yankees are larger than life, and as much as the song itself might suck, it's huge.



The War: + 50 TYP



DiMaggio made it cool to be an American soldier. Sure, he could have been destroying those quadruple-A pitchers that were left behind in the big leagues, but instead he enlisted in the US Army to take on those bastards from Germany, Italy, and Japan. Now, it's true that Sergeant Joltin' Joe never actually got any closer to action than teaching physical education in Hawaii and Atlantic City, but that just tells you that the Army put high priority on keeping him safe - which wasn't the case with Ted Williams or with Feller.

Got paid: + 100 TYP


DiMaggio didn't come cheap. He was the second $100,000 player, after Ted Williams. I think everyone realizes that this is a big part of being a True Yankee. On top of the salary, Joe cashed in big-time on the Mr. Coffee ads and surely got paid to lend his name to the Joe Chair...








Non-True Yankee Qualities:

There's not much here. I guess DiMaggio loses points for acting like a sally by chasing her and sending flowers to her grave for decades after Marilyn first dumped him to go hang out with the Rat Pack and later offed herself. Also, he tolerated the fact that his brother Dom played his entire career for the Red Sox without disowning him. However, it should be stated that he returned from an injury that had kept him out of the lineup for the first 65 gmes of season in 1949 to stick it to the Red Sox at Fenway and lead the Yankees to a three-game sweep, with his brother watching. Take away 75 points total, and call it a day.

In summation, the consummate pro, the king of New York for thirteen years, and a True Yankee. Final tally: 2025 True Yankee Points. Score one for the bad guys. Very few of them will be this easy..

Who will be judged next? Darryl Strawberry? Luis Polonia? Billy Martin? Donald Trump? You'll have to wait and see.

The Rocket

It is time for the first true test of True Yankeedom: do championships outweigh disloyalty and just being a jerk in general? It is a question we will have to ponder more than a few times in this webspace for, as any True Yankee fan will be happy to tell you, "we" have 26 World Series Titles. Roger Clemens pitched for the Bombers for 5 years of his ungodly 22 thus far.
But a fine 5 they were for the Yankee organization. Enough to push him over the top? Let's find out.

True Yankee Qualities:


Two World Series Titles (1999 & 2000): + 200 TYP

Yankees like to win, but not as much as they like not losing. If this doesn't make sense to you, you're probably at the wrong website. Clemens won 2 games and lost none in these two World Series appearances, closing out the sweep of the hated Atlanta Braves in 1999 and the famed Game 2 performance against the Mets in the Subway Series. Bonus points for beating rival National League squads would have been given, but they were balanced by the fact that he did not single-handedly turn a contending Yankee team into a championship team; the franchise had won 2 of the last 3 titles prior to his arrival.

Stuck it to the Red Sox: + 150 TYP

Almost as much as not losing, Yankees like the Red Sox not winning. It gives Yankee fans a warm feeling inside, like a nice glass of cognac on a cold winter's eve. If you've ever wondered what separates a good athlete from a great one, it is motivation. And what better motivation to really kick it into high gear is there than your former general manager saying that you're washed up ? I guess you can call Clemens' 1997 and beyond an Indian Summer, because that twilight sure lasted a while.

Stuck it in Piazza's ear: +100 TYP

Literally. This would have been worth more if Piazza had to retire as a result or, better yet, left this mortal coil ala Ray Chapman. He could have at least blinded him like Tony Conigliaro. In fact, I'm starting to get angry that Piazza was able to walk, let alone play baseball after this. But, if he hadn't been able to, we would not have gotten...

Going psycho and throwing the broken bat at Piazza in Game 2 of the Subway Series: +50 TYP

In one of the most surreal moments in recent sports history, Clemens displayed the intensity that all True Yankee fans demand. Not only did the Yankees go on to win Game 2 and the Series, it led to the hilarity of Shawn Estes famously trying to hit Clemens in a regular season game in 2002. So, the Rocket pretty much emasculated the entire Metropolitan organization. Well done.

Played on the 1986 Boston Red Sox: +100 TYP

There it is, folks: our first pot-shot at Red Sox ineptitude. Who better to kick it off than the all-time goat himself? This would have been worth more had Clemens actually partaken in the shit-show that was the collapse, but he actually did the unthinkable and put the Red Sox in position to win their first World Series in 68 years.

Got a standing ovation from the Florida Marlin players after exiting Game 4, in Florida no less: + 25 TYP

Yankees also enjoy it when other teams realize that they are not themselves the Yankees and slobber all over "us" instead. Perhaps Florida would not have acted similarly if they were behind in the game at the time or knew that the Yankee Magic would produce 2 runs in the top of the 9th, but still. However...

Non-True Yankee Qualities

Didn't Freaking Retire: -500 TYP / Stole Andy Pettitte on his way out: -100 TYP


I mean, you've got to be joking me. The Marlins only gave you that charity ovation because you were supposed to retire. Damn it, you did retire! For a whole month, before running back to Texas like the hick that you are and snaking Pettitte out from underneath of "us" with promises of "good, hard Texas workouts."

Game 7: -100 TYP

Facing one of the worst lineups in recent memory to make, let alone win, a World Series, Roger knows it's all hands on deck and that everyone is exhausted. So, you'd think he'd suck it up and go 7+ like Schilling, right? Nope. This is often forgotten because Soriano bailed him out in the top of the 8th and then the alleged dramatics of the bottom of the 9th ensued. I say "alleged" because True Yankee fans will not officially acknowledge that these events actually took place. Sure, you may say that he did not pitch badly, but that is not enough. He did not pitch to win; he pitched not to lose. Although "we" like not losing better than winning, the players have to have that winning attitude. Try and keep up.

Instead of jumping ship immediately from the Red Sox to Yankees, took a two-year hiatus in Canada: -75 TYP

Bad enough that he won two Cy Youngs while he was in Toronto, but to do it for a division rival? Not cool.

Won only 1 Cy Young Award while in the pinstripes: -150 TYP

He played 22.7% of his career with the Yankees, but only won 14.3% of his Cy Youngs with "us". That is completely and utterly unacceptable. Yankees do not accept subpar performance. True Yankees get better when they don the pinstripes, not worse.

Made more money and had more outlandish perks in his Astros contract that with the Yankees: -200 TYP

Nobody, and I mean nobody, throws around cash and coddles their players like the Yankees. Who the hell does Clemens think he is demanding $18 million a year to not travel with the team when he's not pitching and unfettered access to a private jet from another team? He probably only got a Lear. "We" could have given him a Gulfstream.

Yankee fans do not want him back: -500 TYP

With all the talk of Clemens again un-retiring, there has been speculation of a bidding war between the Red Sox, Yankees, Astros and Rangers for 3-4 months of his service. No thanks, Roger. And don't even think about donning a Yankee cap upon your induction to Cooperstown.

Final Total: -1000 TYP

Thanks for the memories, Rocket. But you were more or less a shell of your former self while with the Yankees and, let's face it: "we" would have won without you. You provided some special moments but, at the end of the day, True Yankees and their fans hope you burn in hell.

'Till Next time...

Mr May...True Yankee?

Winfield certainly looks like a True Yankee in that picture, but there's a lot of analysis to be done here.

First of all, let's look at the numbers.

The initial thing that jumps out, of course, is that Winnie only played nine of his 22 seasons in New York. But that's actually the most out of any of the teams for which he played, so I'd say that sort of bolsters his case for True Yankeehood. Furthermore, eight of his twelve All-Star seasons were played in pinstripes. Winfield became a star with the Padres, but he became a superstar, and a Hall of Famer, with the Yanks.





True Yankee Qualities:






Signed as a free agent with the Yankees in 1981 to become the highest-paid player in baseball history: + 250 True Yankeehood Points (TYP)

I mean, really, is there anything more True Yankeefied than this?








Killed a seagull while making a throw from the outfield, and then took off his cap in a mock moment of remembrance: +75 TYP

Not only did Winfield strongly uphold the Yankee principle of Social Darwinism, but he actually mocked the poor seagull, and perhaps our neighbors to the North, afterwards, saying, "I am truly sorry that a fowl of Canada is no longer with us."

Some of Winfield's True Yankee teammates were reportedly jealous of Winfield that they didn't get a chance to throw at the seagull first...



Named to the All-Star team in each of his seasons as a Yankee: + 50 TYP

The man could play. Billy Martin's remark that killing the bird was "The only time he hit the cutoff man" notwithstanding, Winfield was fine defensive outfielder with a cannon for an arm, great speed for a man his size, tremendous pop, and excellent plate discipline for a power hitter.

Inducted into the HOF in 2001: +50 TYP

Being a Hall of Famer goes a long way towards earning one True Yankeehood...

Reconciled with the Boss after being inducted (see below): +25 TYP

It always helps to battle with King George a few times. Just ask Billy Martin, Joe Torre, and Gene Michael.


Non-True Yankee Qualities:

Couldn't get it done in the postseason: -250 TYP

Now, this is, of course, a little unfair. The truth is that Winfield only got one shot at this as a Yankee - in his first year, and helped propel them past the Brewers in the 1981 ALDS. But then the wheels fell off. In the LCS (only three games) against the A's he hit .154/.267/.231 with no home runs. Then, in the Series against the Dodgers, Winfield went 1-22 with just 1 RBI and no extra-base hits. Had the Yankees won, maybe this wouldn't have counted so strongly against him. But they lost, and True Yankees don't fold up in the World Series and lose... well, unless they're Mickey Mantle in '55 or Jeter in '01 and are impervious to True Yankeehood Attack... but more on that in another episode.

The nickname: - 100 TYP

Getting disrespected by the Boss like this really hurts. Like it or not, Steinbrenner has been the head cheese for thirty years now, and was the undisputed king of the Bronx at this time. Plus, it was a really good line - people still call Winfield Mr. May to this day.

Not Reggie Jackson: - 75 TYP

Let's face it - this was something of a no-win situation for Winfield, but he REALLY suffered because of this. Reggie had a solid postseason in his last year as a Yankee, at the same time that Winfield was having a miserable time of it in his first year in the Bronx. Although there will surely be a heated debate about certain aspects of Reggie's True Yankeehood, he's on solid ground...with a much more enviable nickname. Winfield might have been a better player, but Reggie was there when they won, and was a huge part of that.

Not Don Mattingly: -100 TYP

Ouch. Here's why:

1. Mattingly played his whole career in the Bronx. Winfield didn't, and that, particularly the ending, is a big strike against him - see below.
2. The fans just took to Mattingly in a way they never did with Winfield. Winfield was better, but Mattingly was a better Yankee. Want the proof? Look again at the sponsor for Winfield's baseball-reference page, linked above. Now take a look at this - almost unfair. That's not Mattingly's kid - he has three sons, and none of them are named Scott. Some guy just feels like Mattingly symbolizes his Yankee relationship with his dad. Tells you everything about how these two guys were received - Winfield wasn't hated or anything, but he wasn't beloved like Mattingly was... and that's big when you're talking about who's a True Yankee and who's not.

Traded to the Angels in May of 1990: -50 TYP

True Yankees don't have this happen to them - especially not for the likes of Mike Witt.



Elected to retire as a San Diego Padre: -1000 TYP

Game, set, match. You don't do this if you're a True Yankee... even to the likes of Steinbrenner. Now, many fans might wish to say here that he was doing this JUST to spite the Boss for deriding him and for that business with the gambler George hired to uncover potentially incriminating evidence about Winfield. But it doesn't work like that. Turning in your Yankee pinstripes at the gates of Cooperstown means sacrificing all that is True Yankeehood - Mickey, Joe D, Gehrig, Hensley Meulens. All of it. The fact that Steinbrenner tried to intercede and have Winfield inducted as a Yankee means bupkis - Winnie's decision is the important thing here.

TRUE YANKEEHOOD SCORE: -1175 TYP

Sorry, Dave, you don't make the cut. But judging from your actions, you don't seem to care much. Just be aware that you'll be judged one day by the ultimate True Yankeehood test, and Ford Frick says he doesn't like you.

Your turn! What did I miss?

Don Zimmer - True Yankee?

ah...Zim. A fitting guy to lead off, as he's got plenty that looks like it could work both for and against him when it comes to true Yankeehood.

The numbers

True Yankee Qualities:

Stood up to Pedro: +25 True Yankee Points (TYP)

This is, without question, a big chip in Zim's favor. Pedro is, after all, vilified by most Yankee fans.


Shows undying loyalty to Joe Torre: +10 TYP

Torre's obvious respect for Zimmer, steel plate in his head and all, automatically means that a large number of Yankee fans regarded Zim as one of their own from the moment he issued his first blank stare from the Yankee dugout.


Managed the Red Sox in the late 1970's: +100 TYP

If Zimmer had managed to get the hated Red Sox to the playoffs during this time (i.e., if there had been a wild card), this would be a huge strike against him. But he didn't, and allowed Yankee fans to chant "1918"" for another quarter-century. Just huge. It's been suggested that I explicitly mention the Bucky Dent game here, which is a good idea. That's why I gave him so many points...

Fought with the Boss: + 25 TYP

Toma's take:

"It is a tough one. You have a few factors to consider on each side:

Pro- Spoke his mind, did not back down; Comments displayed more loyalty to Torre and the players; Was actually important enough to draw Steinbrenner's ire."

I'll just add that Zimmer still refuses to even talk to the guy, and says that he walked right by him when seeing him in a restaurant. True Yankees don't cave in easily...

Non-True Yankee Qualities:

Fell down when Pedro pushed him: -15 True Yankee Points

See, here's the thing. Yankees don't lose...

Never actually played for the Yankees: -4 TYP

This doesn't really seem to bother Yankee fans that much.

Managed the Cubs during the "Boys of Zimmer" years: - 25 TYP

This just looks bad. The Cubs are everything that the Yankees are not: their fans are generally upbeat during a losing streak, their managers are given a long leash even during the worst of times, and they never had Billy Martin.

Awarded "29th unsexiest male celebrity" by Boston magazine in April, 2006: - 25 TYP

Any time that you're getting jeered by something from Boston, this has to count against you.

Fought with the Boss: -15 TYP

Toma's Take:

"Con- Did not fall in line as is required for True Yankees (like shaving/cutting hair); Left Yankees following the season for a team within the division (mitigated by the fact that it was the Devil Rays, which is pretty endearing since he was old and probably just loved it down there during spring training)."

I'll just add that if it were the Marlins, this would have been even more of a plus...but Tampa doesn't have what most New Yorkers are looking for, in a team or in a city (by the way, it's a great place).

Subtotal = +76 TYP - TRUE YANKEE!!!

This is where you come in - we'll need your reactions, and will factor in any additional attributes we may have missed here.

Let 'er rip!

Our manifesto...

It must be hard to be a Yankee fan. Your owner is paying good money for the best talent money can buy... but sometimes he's not hiring the right kind of people.

We hear a lot about whether certain people are True Yankees or not, but what exactly does being a true pinstriper entail?

As I am not a Yankee fan, I figure the best thing to do is to consider, one at a time, many of the past and present Yankees and find out what makes them True Yankees or Not True Yankees. We'll engage in sabermetric analysis, character histories, and employ many other diagnostic tools to find out the basic attributes that define True Yankeehood. We'll also look at celebrities and other non-athletes to assess their True Yankeehood or lack thereof as well. But we'll need your help!

From this we hope to extrapolate a True Yankee Formula, which will give us a new statistic, TRUE YANKEEHOOD SCORE (TYS for short), that can be used for future case studies.

Let's get started!