See, this is how a True Yankee would have done it...

There's a big story here in Beantown today involving Curt Schilling's recently HOF-enshrined bloody sock. Supposedly, Doug Mirabelli told Orioles and ESPN Broadcaster Gary Thorne that Schilling's sock was covered with paint rather than blood on that fateful night back in October of 2004. (Yankee fans, I hope looking at that hurt you right in your non-surgically sutured Yankeepridehormonesecretingorgans).



We all remember the drama, the faces, and Schill thanking Jesus for "just getting him through" the night and the pain. Speaking from a strictly baseball fan perspective, I hope Mirabelli's lying, because Schilling's a little self-important for my taste and could use to slip about twelve notches down the ladder, but I sort of doubt if this could have happened without us hearing about it until now.

That being said, I can state categorically that if he did fake it, no True Yankee would ever have allowed the situation to have reached this point. Even I, a non-Yankee fan, know that:

First of all, you don't put the thing in the Hall of Fame. That's for the other teams. You enshrine it into your own Hall of Fame, and if possible, you bury that thing under the dirt in Monument Park where it can't spill its secrets. A True Yankee would have enlisted the help of this guy, who is one of their own.





Second, a True Yankee would not use paint, which only a Red Sox would be dumb enough to use; instead, you use the blood of a Yankee of lesser stature, who is primarily affixed to the bench. These sorts of guys abound and have been found in droves throughout the years, but here are some examples: Shane Spencer, Luis Sojo, Sterling Hitchcock, or Gerald Williams.

Now I know what you're asking...why wouldn't you use the blood of someone who just happened to be on the Yankees at the time and had little or no True Yankeehood running through his veins, like Tony Tarasco or someone? Well, there is some evidence that non-True Yankee blood can be catching, and you don't want Whitey Ford turning into Brian Bruney.



Finally, and here's the big one, you rub out the messenger before he has a chance to rat on you. The Yankees know all about this, through their connections with the underworld:



Mirabelli would have been sleeping with the fishes as soon as the sock was out of Yankee hands. True Yankee fans know that he would have understood.

- Silk...