And Puffy, you know this...

True Yankee fans, I give you Graig Nettles, a crucial contributor to the Bronx Zoo success of the late 1970s and one of only 11 team captains in the Pinstripers' history. Seems like a lock based on that alone, but as we'll find out, there are some mitigating circumstances here, and he certainly is deserving of a look. As always, let's start with the numbers.

The first thing that jumps out here is the fact that Nettles played for six teams...but:

1. none of them was the Red Sox, and
2. I mean, really, what True Yankee fan pays attention to the Twins, Indians, Padres, and Expos? Did those franchises even exist in 1977 when Nettles was building his credentials? The Indians might have, but, well...1948. And before you point out that he also played on the Braves, a team that True Yankee fans must grudgingly acknowledge before pointing out their World Series futility in the 1990s (STFU, the 2000s aren't actually real), remember that we're talking about 1987, and they lost 92 games and finished fifth that year.

So Nettles basically was a Yankee when it mattered. He made the postseason his rookie year with the Twins in 1969, He also got to the WS in 1984 with San Diego, but since the writer is in fact not a True Yankee fan at all, but rather a lifelong Cubs fan, we're definitely not going to talk about that.



Let's just move ahead with the True Yankeehood Points, and I'd admonish the Yankee fans sniggering at my team's now century-long championship drought to kindly do the world a favor and swallow your Driven cologne.












HARDWARE - THAT'S PLURAL: +500 TYP



Nettles was a big part of the Yankee's World Series wins in 1977 and 1978, and boy, did they need them. Until '77, they hadn't won since Yogi Berra was an active member of the roster...a drought of 14 long years. The Stottlemyer era was a painful time for True Yankee fans everywhere, and Nettles helped them forget it, winning Gold Gloves in both seasons, playing in 317 out of 324 possible regular season games and making some spectacular defensive plays in both postseasons. Nettles finished 5th in the MVP voting in '77, the top Yankee to receive votes, and, really, who remembers Rod Carew's season that year? The next year, Guidry finished second thanks to his spectacular 25-3 record, but the important thing to True Yankee fans, is that the 1978 winner, Jim Rice, watched the postseason from his couch as usual.


NOT A-ROD: +500 TYP




Nettles's excellent defense and consistently gritty play have been the stuff of True Yankee overexaggeration for three decades now. Ask any Yankee fan who they'd rather have at the hot corner...Puff, or this guy, and see what answers you get.

Nettles is the number one guy, after, Jeter or Reggie Jackson, used to demonstrate Rodriguez's failings as a True Yankee. Graig, we hear, got it done in the postseason , while A-Rod hasn't delivered yet and, we are reminded, never will because he just lacks the makeup for New York (perhaps it's the purple lipstick).



THE SUPERBALLS: +200 TYP



Memo to Gary Sheffield (whatever, he's still a Yankee to me), Jason Giambi, and soon-to-be-Yankee Barry Balco: as Yogi said, "Sometimes you can learn a lot by watching." Some cheating is COOL, and Nettles's hail of superballs in 1974 definitely falls into that category. This is way cooler than steroids or greenies: this is historical baseball cheating at its best, right up there with Joe Neikro's emery board and the "refrigerator ball". And in True Yankee fashion, they kept his home run, which was the only run scored in the game, and wiped away Nettles' meaningless single to center field in the 5th. So he cheated without getting ejected AND got a win...is there anything more Pinstripe Worthy than that?

Now, I've read plenty of accounts of this game, but here's one thing I didn't know, because no one seems to have noticed it, until I researched the matter myself: it was the SECOND GAME OF A DOUBLEHEADER THAT DAY! And guess what, True Yankee fans...he homered in the FIRST game, too! Yeah, I'm SURE that the second game in a twin bill was really the first time Nettles used the bat, as he told interviewers after the game.




QUOTE MACHINE: +250 TYP And not in a weird, laughing both-with-you-and-at-you-at-the-same-time-ala-Mickey-Rivers kind of a way. No, this guy was just solid when it came to the soundbites. Here are a few representative gems from the Bronx Zoo era:

• "We've got a problem here. Luis Tiant wants to use the bathroom and it says no foreign objects in the toilet."


• "People recognize me wherever I go, where it used to be just New York. I guess people who aren't even baseball fans watch the World Series. I was driving down the freeway in Los Angeles over the winter and a guy pulled up next to me and gave me the finger."

• "When I was a little boy, I wanted to be a baseball player and join the circus. With the Yankees, I've accomplished both."

• "It's a good thing Babe Ruth isn't here. If he was, George Steinbrenner would have him bat seventh and say he's overweight."

• "What we need is a second-base coach."

• On Sparky Lyle's difficulties: "He's gone from Cy Young to Cy-anara".

• "The more we lose, the more Steinbrenner will fly in. And the more he flies, the better the chance there will be for a plane crash."




INJURED BILL LEE IN A BRAWL in 1976, EFFECTIVELY SPOILING THE RED SOX' CHANCES AT REPEATING AS CHAMPIONS OF THE AMERICAN LEAGUE: +250 TYP

Tough to do better than this...from the True Yankee viewpoint, did anyone deserve this more? Maybe Pedro, but that's about it.


Named captain in 1982: + 150 TYP

What, you ask? How can Nettles only get 150 points for joining a group so elite that Mantle, Dimaggio, Berra and Ford don't qualify for it? Well, two points, True Yankee Fans:

1. Yes, it's an accomplishment. But Hal Chase, a man who damn near destroyed baseball altogether is on that list, so don't get your pinstriped panties in a huge twist over it, and

2. Nettles nearly cancelled any captain cachet he may have earned from himself when he...

WROTE HIS WAY OUT OF TOWN: - 500 TYP




Yeah, this just looks bad. The Bronx Zoo was dysfunctional, we all know that, but you don't write a freaking book trashing the Boss and calling him fat, while painting Billy Martin as a pretty good guy, not in 1983 you don't. Not when you're the seventh Yankee captain in history, and the one directly after Thurman Munson (it's okay, True Yankee fans, you can get off your knees now). Nowadays...no problem. Everyone takes shots at George in 2007, but that was decidedly Pinstripe un-Worthy, and it led to...


GOT TRADED TO THE PADRES, AND ACTUALLY LIKED IT: - 800 TYP




Bad enough that you should leave New York, but to the Padres? Even Winfield knew it was prudent to get the hell out of there ASAP, and we have already established in this forum that Mr. May was decidedly not a True Yankee.

Aside from going to a second-class franchise, the fact that you pick one with STEVE FREAKING GARVEY as its best offensive player simply smacks on un-True Yankeehood. That guy's as Dodger Blue as one gets, although his post-playing career and Strawhowegoodenberry's are somewhat similar.

Not to mention the fact that he did better in the postseason for the Pads than he did in in Pinstripes...Oh, yeah, there's this, too... take an additional 50 points for making me think of that.

CONTRACTED HEPATITIS IN 1980, MISSING 67 REGULAR SEASON GAMES: -250 TYP

Since we don't actually know what the details were, Nettles gets the benefit of the doubt on this one. Let's assume he was either drinking Bronx water or went on one too many pub crawls up Amsterdam in the off-season. However, it must be pointed out that sharing needles is a damned good way to get Hepatitis B...ironically, his replacement was the original A-Rod, for whom the Yankees traded to the very same Padres for (what else) cash...

So here's our tally:

POSITIVE TRUE YANKEEHOOD SCORE: +1850 TYP


NEGATIVE TRUE YANKEEHOOD SCORE: -1550 TYP

TOTAL TRUE YANKEEHOOD SCORE: +300 TYP

He just makes it, mostly on the strength of kicking Spaceman's ass, which even the likes of me, a non-True Yankee fan, realizes is a good thing. But let's get one thing straight...he never had a chance at the Hall. If Santo's not in, no way either this guy or Darrell Evans gets close.

Until next time,

- Silk...