Luis Polonia...The Man, The Pedophile

Sometimes a player or coach doesn't have to spend much time with the Yankees for the fans to embrace him. And sometimes the player really enjoys embracing the fans. Even the little ones. It's time to find out where True Yankee ends and sick pervert begins.


The Numbers.


TRUE YANKEE QUALITIES

Member of the 2000 World Championship team: +100 TYP

I cannot emphasize enough how important World Series titles are to True Yankees. That is why True Yankee fans complain about not winning championships when they already have 26 to cuddle up next to at night. Luis sported a manly .500 BA in the World Series. Of course, he was only 1-2.

Was a member of the 1996 Atlanta Braves : + 25 TYP

The Yankees hate the Red Sox. This is well known. Not as widely recognized is their hatred for the Braves. No modern World Series wins have been as satisfying as '96 and '99 against the Braves. Atlanta represents the anti-Yankee. Sure, they win, but they only won a single championship, don't spend an exorbitant amount of money, don't make the tabloids on a regular basis, don't burn through managers like they were toilet paper. Plus, their owner, Ted Turner, is possibly an even bigger bag of douche than Steinbrenner.

During the Series, Polonia went 0-5 with 3 strikeouts. Played like a True Yankee saboteur; we salute you, Mr. Polonia.

Ranked #54 on some random guy's list of Top 100 Angels of all-time: +25 TYP

Seriously.

I'm not making this up. This is what the Yankees do. "We" steal other teams' beloved players and make them "our" own. Then "we" act like he was one of "us" all along.

Pinch hit for David Ortiz in the World Baseball Classic: +10 TYP

Even washed-up former Yankees are better than the best Red Sox hitter in his prime. Apparently, Mr. Clutch "Big Papi" simply could not bring as much to the table in the big spot as the 42-year old. Sounds about right to me.

Did 5 separate tours with the Yankees: +25

The Yankees do whatever they want and sign whomever they please. So, if they repeatedly want you back, even after trading you away, that is a sign that you are doing something correctly.

NON-TRUE YANKEE QUALITIES

Was a member of the 1995 Atlanta Braves: -150 TYP


How dare he win a ring with a team that is not the Yankees! Plus, he even contributed: going 4-14 with a homer and 4 RBI. You may wonder why winning with another team counts against him more than winning with the Yankees counts for him. That would be a fair, yet stupid question. You would be forgetting that True Yankees like not losing better than winning. Thus, when they lose, someone else wins. Logically, True Yankees dislike losing more than not winning. Again, try to keep up.

Had intercourse with a 15-year old girl and was subsequently convicted of statutory rape: -2000 TYP

Ugh. (Note how I linked to an Orioles site for this so as to distance the Yankees from this deplorable act.)
To be honest, you can put any number you want on this, and it's not big enough. This is pretty much the worst thing you can do while representing the Yankees. That includes killing a nice, old lady. Even if that lady is Suzyn Waldman. See, here's the thing about True Yankee fans: most of "us" are degenerate assholes, but "we" get all indignant about certain things like raping women and defaming churches. Do blow, drive drunk, take steroids; "we" honestly don't care. But if you do one of these acts that draw "our" True Yankee ire, do not expect "our" love and affection.

Further, True Yankees do not have to resort to these pathetic tactics; True Yankees can have their pick of the entire pool of consenting-aged eligible women. In fact, they don't even have to try. They can point and fire off witty one-liners indicating that the woman in question is lucky enough to have been selected by a True Yankee (probably not something as clever and blatant as "you're with me, leather", but you get the idea). Plus, if this act was eventually discovered, the girl must have complained to someone. So, not only did he have sex with a 15-year old, he performed badly enough that she either had to alert the authorities or cry to her parents. All around, beyond a non-True Yankee effort.

FINAL TOTAL: -1965 TYP

It's official: there are a few things that can outweigh being a member of a celebrated Yankee championship team. Committing a sex crime is one of those things. At least we got to hear the occasional visiting team play Sam Cooke's "Only Sixteen" when Polonia came up to bat. That was fun.