The Rocket

It is time for the first true test of True Yankeedom: do championships outweigh disloyalty and just being a jerk in general? It is a question we will have to ponder more than a few times in this webspace for, as any True Yankee fan will be happy to tell you, "we" have 26 World Series Titles. Roger Clemens pitched for the Bombers for 5 years of his ungodly 22 thus far.
But a fine 5 they were for the Yankee organization. Enough to push him over the top? Let's find out.

True Yankee Qualities:


Two World Series Titles (1999 & 2000): + 200 TYP

Yankees like to win, but not as much as they like not losing. If this doesn't make sense to you, you're probably at the wrong website. Clemens won 2 games and lost none in these two World Series appearances, closing out the sweep of the hated Atlanta Braves in 1999 and the famed Game 2 performance against the Mets in the Subway Series. Bonus points for beating rival National League squads would have been given, but they were balanced by the fact that he did not single-handedly turn a contending Yankee team into a championship team; the franchise had won 2 of the last 3 titles prior to his arrival.

Stuck it to the Red Sox: + 150 TYP

Almost as much as not losing, Yankees like the Red Sox not winning. It gives Yankee fans a warm feeling inside, like a nice glass of cognac on a cold winter's eve. If you've ever wondered what separates a good athlete from a great one, it is motivation. And what better motivation to really kick it into high gear is there than your former general manager saying that you're washed up ? I guess you can call Clemens' 1997 and beyond an Indian Summer, because that twilight sure lasted a while.

Stuck it in Piazza's ear: +100 TYP

Literally. This would have been worth more if Piazza had to retire as a result or, better yet, left this mortal coil ala Ray Chapman. He could have at least blinded him like Tony Conigliaro. In fact, I'm starting to get angry that Piazza was able to walk, let alone play baseball after this. But, if he hadn't been able to, we would not have gotten...

Going psycho and throwing the broken bat at Piazza in Game 2 of the Subway Series: +50 TYP

In one of the most surreal moments in recent sports history, Clemens displayed the intensity that all True Yankee fans demand. Not only did the Yankees go on to win Game 2 and the Series, it led to the hilarity of Shawn Estes famously trying to hit Clemens in a regular season game in 2002. So, the Rocket pretty much emasculated the entire Metropolitan organization. Well done.

Played on the 1986 Boston Red Sox: +100 TYP

There it is, folks: our first pot-shot at Red Sox ineptitude. Who better to kick it off than the all-time goat himself? This would have been worth more had Clemens actually partaken in the shit-show that was the collapse, but he actually did the unthinkable and put the Red Sox in position to win their first World Series in 68 years.

Got a standing ovation from the Florida Marlin players after exiting Game 4, in Florida no less: + 25 TYP

Yankees also enjoy it when other teams realize that they are not themselves the Yankees and slobber all over "us" instead. Perhaps Florida would not have acted similarly if they were behind in the game at the time or knew that the Yankee Magic would produce 2 runs in the top of the 9th, but still. However...

Non-True Yankee Qualities

Didn't Freaking Retire: -500 TYP / Stole Andy Pettitte on his way out: -100 TYP


I mean, you've got to be joking me. The Marlins only gave you that charity ovation because you were supposed to retire. Damn it, you did retire! For a whole month, before running back to Texas like the hick that you are and snaking Pettitte out from underneath of "us" with promises of "good, hard Texas workouts."

Game 7: -100 TYP

Facing one of the worst lineups in recent memory to make, let alone win, a World Series, Roger knows it's all hands on deck and that everyone is exhausted. So, you'd think he'd suck it up and go 7+ like Schilling, right? Nope. This is often forgotten because Soriano bailed him out in the top of the 8th and then the alleged dramatics of the bottom of the 9th ensued. I say "alleged" because True Yankee fans will not officially acknowledge that these events actually took place. Sure, you may say that he did not pitch badly, but that is not enough. He did not pitch to win; he pitched not to lose. Although "we" like not losing better than winning, the players have to have that winning attitude. Try and keep up.

Instead of jumping ship immediately from the Red Sox to Yankees, took a two-year hiatus in Canada: -75 TYP

Bad enough that he won two Cy Youngs while he was in Toronto, but to do it for a division rival? Not cool.

Won only 1 Cy Young Award while in the pinstripes: -150 TYP

He played 22.7% of his career with the Yankees, but only won 14.3% of his Cy Youngs with "us". That is completely and utterly unacceptable. Yankees do not accept subpar performance. True Yankees get better when they don the pinstripes, not worse.

Made more money and had more outlandish perks in his Astros contract that with the Yankees: -200 TYP

Nobody, and I mean nobody, throws around cash and coddles their players like the Yankees. Who the hell does Clemens think he is demanding $18 million a year to not travel with the team when he's not pitching and unfettered access to a private jet from another team? He probably only got a Lear. "We" could have given him a Gulfstream.

Yankee fans do not want him back: -500 TYP

With all the talk of Clemens again un-retiring, there has been speculation of a bidding war between the Red Sox, Yankees, Astros and Rangers for 3-4 months of his service. No thanks, Roger. And don't even think about donning a Yankee cap upon your induction to Cooperstown.

Final Total: -1000 TYP

Thanks for the memories, Rocket. But you were more or less a shell of your former self while with the Yankees and, let's face it: "we" would have won without you. You provided some special moments but, at the end of the day, True Yankees and their fans hope you burn in hell.

'Till Next time...