Louisiana Lightning

It’s that time of year again, folks: baseball season is upon us! A time for hope, a time for speculation and prognostication, a time for Kerry Wood and Mike Hampton to be on the disabled list. Most importantly, time to see people like Ron Guidry step out of a Skoal commercial (and the Yankee dugout) and amble out to the mound to try and convince Carl Pavano that he is not a complete failure, molestache glimmering in the sun.

But, not too long ago, Ron Guidry was a pitcher on the receiving end of such meaningless visits and, as we all know, he was nowhere near a failure. However, what we will not know until the typing stops is whether or not he is Pinstripe Worthy.

First, the numbers .

TRUE YANKEE QUALITIES:

Member of 2 World Championship Teams: +500 TYP

Before their return to glory in the mid-to-late 1990s, the Bombers popped off back-to-back World Series victories in 1977 & 1978. In those two series, all Guidry did was go 2-0 with a 1.50 ERA in 2 complete game outings. Studly. Quite studly, even.

These championships were particularly important for “us”, because it had been an unfathomable 14 years since the Yankees last reigned. If Yankees World Series wins were crack, we all would have perished from withdrawal long before 1977. When you have 26 World Championships, going through long, ringless stretches is very hard.

Clutch: +250 TYP

All told, Gator’s post-season record was 5-2 with a 3.02 ERA. More notable is the fact that over his 10 career playoff starts, he averaged 6 2/3 innings per outing, including 3 complete games. A man’s man, through and through.

Further, even when the games did not occur in October, you pretty much knew “we” were getting a win when the ball was in Ron’s left hand. He ranks 27th on the list of all-time best winning percentage for pitchers, with an astounding 65.1% success rate.

1978: +100 TYP

Yankees do not ask for their place in history. Nor do they even demand it. They just fucking take it, as Gator did in his all-time year

You pick what you like more: 25 wins, 89.3% winning percentage, 270+ innings, 16 complete games, sub-2 ERA, 9 shutouts, his 18-strikeout game or an almost 3:1 strikeout-to-walk ratio. Seriously, pick whichever you like; it’s all academic.

This season would be worth even more but for the fact that he lost to fucking Jim Rice in the MVP race.

Came Back to Coach Up the Pitchers: +50 TYP

This would be worth more, but “we” have yet to win with him in charge of the staff. Also, while his drunken stumble out of the dugout is entertaining, it also exposes “us” to potential ridicule. I can’t tell whether he looks like the Marlboro Man or a cancer patient circling the drain. Mel was a presence in the dugout; Ron is, well, there.

However, some credit must be given for service to the franchise. Just by osmosis, he will be able to impart the Yankee Way on to such uneducated souls as that of Kei Igawa and Kyle Farnsworth.

NON-TRUE YANKEE QUALITIES

Prominent Member of the Famously Incompetent Bronx Zoo: -600 TYP

While due credit is given for being a part of the team that pulled “us” out of a prolonged interruption from post-season dominance, even worse is the fact that the Yankees went 17 freaking seasons without another World Series victory. I can taste my bile. It does not taste good.

I mean, not only did Guidry figure substantially in the fate of a team that didn’t even qualify for the playoffs in his last 7 years, he was the damn co-captain (along with Willie Randolph).

Started that Insidious Standing Up with 2-Strikes Nonsense: -150 TYP

God, that annoys the shit out of me. It’s one thing when it’s the top of the 9^th and everyone is just standing up to leave, since Mariano is sure to take care of business anyway, but do I really have to stand up just because Brian Bruney had the good fortune of landing two balls within the strike zone? There is a lot of douchebaggery that occurs on a fine day at Yankee Stadium, but this one gets my goat more than most others.

Looks Like He should be Dead: -50 TYP

So much so that he has a Dead or Alive? listing. Zimmer was old, but at least he was virile. Every time I see Lightning, I feel as though he should be hooked to an IV, wearing an oxygen mask, or at least have someone who periodically holds their hand over his mouth to make sure he’s still breathing.

FINAL TOTAL: +100 TYP

No slam dunk, but he’s home. “We” have a long history of adopting hicks and rednecks as our own, and the Louisiana Lightning fits that mold to a T. To those who question why not succeeding between 1979-1988 counts more than back-to-back Series wins, I refer you back to our mantra about not losing being more important than winning.

Now that some of the obvious cases have been made, we can move into the gray and tackle some of the closer cases such as Guidry. He’s so close, that I must reserve the right to adjust his calculation should any relevant information surface anytime soon.