The Prodigal Son
Tired of watching the Giants implode upon themselves or waiting for the other shoe to drop with the Jets? Disgusted by the amount of money being thrown at players who have yet to record an out in the MLB (Matsuzaka), single handedly dragged down the once-mighty Yankees upon becoming a full-time player (exaggeration, but Soriano), have heads the size of Grape Ape's (Bonds, and goodbye, Mr. Barbera), are members of the fairer sex (Drew)...you get the point. Enough about them, and more about "us"; one of our favorite pitchers in recent memory has returned. No, no; not that fat, steroid-ridden worthless piece of shit This sexy beast:
We've known for awhile, but today it's official: he's back.
Is this good? What if "we" have simply been convincing ourselves that everything would have been alright if that evil sonofabitch had not decided to take his ball and go home-literally-and snake poor, impressionable Andy on the way out? What if he's done? What if it really is about the money this time? Was he ever really a True Yankee to begin with?
Glad you asked. As always, we begin with the numbers.
TRUE YANKEE QUALITIES
Member of 4 World Championship Teams: +1000 TYP
It sometimes feels like more, but four is pretty damn good. Especially in nine seasons. In his 21 postseason series' with the Bombers, Andy went 10-5 with a 4.04 ERA. More than that, however, he served as the stopper, going a stark 6-2 in postseason Game 2's. 1996-2000 were great times to be a Yankee and a Yankee fan; Andy was a huge reason why.
Homegrown: +400 TYP
The greatest part of the most recent Yankees dynasty was that "we" were able to stick it to the detractors, who always felt the need to chip in with a snarky "sure, they win, but only because they buy any players they want." Not the case with Andy, Jeter, Mo, Posada and Bernie. They came up through the system and became the heart and soul of an all-time team. As it should be.
Started the Ladies' Motors: +100 TYP
What higher compliment could be paid to a True Yankee than to say that my mother has always had a crush on him? And who could blame her? Tall, dark, handsome, brooding, intense...my my, time for a little break.
OK, that was a little weird, but something always made "us" feel safe when we saw Andy on the mound, brim pulled low with his glove in front of his face.
One of the Filthiest Pickoff Moves Ever: +50 TYP
I am just going to let this speak for itself.
NON-TRUE YANKEE QUALITIES
You Think You Can Just Walk Away from This Thing of Ours? : -500 TYP
Done vomiting? No? Me neither; let's all of us take a few more minutes. Seriously, there were so many things wrong with the entire 2003/2004 offseason. First, how much of a little bitch do you have to be to take offense at not being wooed by your own team? It had been 9 years, man; most married couples even give up "date night" after 9 years. But you're going to run away crying because The Boss is wining and dining Gary Sheffield instead of you. Real mature.
Second, he took less money than what the Yankees were offering to go to Houston. Very un-True Yankee. Finally, as has been covered enough in this space, he aligned himself with Clemens, who had just committed the ultimate betrayal upon the Pinstripes. That's like choosing ho's before bro's: it's simply not done.
How Freaking Sensitive Can a Dude Be? : -100 TYP
This time around, Pettitte is doing the exact same thing, only in reverse. And this time, he's taking the money. But this was not about the money, it was about Cashman learning his lesson and improving his bedside manner. This time, the glove was on the other hand, so to speak, as it was Cashman not only offering more money, but telling Fragile Andy how much he and the Yankees needed and loved him. Cold fish Houston didn't stand a chance. Unsubstantiated reports indicate that if, when he returns home from a road trip, Andy's wife Laura does not have his favorite dish (mac & cheese, if you were curious) waiting for him, Fragile Andy runs to the tool shed to weep some very large tears.
May Have Shared More than Hot Beef Injections with Roger: -50 TYP
That whole Jason Grimsley story died down pretty quickly, but not before he refused to adhere to Carmelo Anthony's advice. Caught in the crossfire was none other than Mr. Pettitte. Given that nothing has been proven, and other steroid users have been pardoned by "us" in the past, this does not mean too much.
FINAL TOTAL: +900 TYP
Was there really any doubt? Sure, the Bombers probably overpaid a bit for him this time around, but have there really been any bargain-basement values with regard to marquee free agents this offseason? This move signals a return to glory for the Yankees; no more straight up mercenaries like Randy Johnson and A-Rod and a team reminiscent of the Bronx Zoo. It's time for the tried and true methods of success to be re-employed. I wonder if Ricky Ledee is available...
We've known for awhile, but today it's official: he's back.
Is this good? What if "we" have simply been convincing ourselves that everything would have been alright if that evil sonofabitch had not decided to take his ball and go home-literally-and snake poor, impressionable Andy on the way out? What if he's done? What if it really is about the money this time? Was he ever really a True Yankee to begin with?
Glad you asked. As always, we begin with the numbers.
TRUE YANKEE QUALITIES
Member of 4 World Championship Teams: +1000 TYP
It sometimes feels like more, but four is pretty damn good. Especially in nine seasons. In his 21 postseason series' with the Bombers, Andy went 10-5 with a 4.04 ERA. More than that, however, he served as the stopper, going a stark 6-2 in postseason Game 2's. 1996-2000 were great times to be a Yankee and a Yankee fan; Andy was a huge reason why.
Homegrown: +400 TYP
The greatest part of the most recent Yankees dynasty was that "we" were able to stick it to the detractors, who always felt the need to chip in with a snarky "sure, they win, but only because they buy any players they want." Not the case with Andy, Jeter, Mo, Posada and Bernie. They came up through the system and became the heart and soul of an all-time team. As it should be.
Started the Ladies' Motors: +100 TYP
What higher compliment could be paid to a True Yankee than to say that my mother has always had a crush on him? And who could blame her? Tall, dark, handsome, brooding, intense...my my, time for a little break.
OK, that was a little weird, but something always made "us" feel safe when we saw Andy on the mound, brim pulled low with his glove in front of his face.
One of the Filthiest Pickoff Moves Ever: +50 TYP
I am just going to let this speak for itself.
NON-TRUE YANKEE QUALITIES
You Think You Can Just Walk Away from This Thing of Ours? : -500 TYP
Done vomiting? No? Me neither; let's all of us take a few more minutes. Seriously, there were so many things wrong with the entire 2003/2004 offseason. First, how much of a little bitch do you have to be to take offense at not being wooed by your own team? It had been 9 years, man; most married couples even give up "date night" after 9 years. But you're going to run away crying because The Boss is wining and dining Gary Sheffield instead of you. Real mature.
Second, he took less money than what the Yankees were offering to go to Houston. Very un-True Yankee. Finally, as has been covered enough in this space, he aligned himself with Clemens, who had just committed the ultimate betrayal upon the Pinstripes. That's like choosing ho's before bro's: it's simply not done.
How Freaking Sensitive Can a Dude Be? : -100 TYP
This time around, Pettitte is doing the exact same thing, only in reverse. And this time, he's taking the money. But this was not about the money, it was about Cashman learning his lesson and improving his bedside manner. This time, the glove was on the other hand, so to speak, as it was Cashman not only offering more money, but telling Fragile Andy how much he and the Yankees needed and loved him. Cold fish Houston didn't stand a chance. Unsubstantiated reports indicate that if, when he returns home from a road trip, Andy's wife Laura does not have his favorite dish (mac & cheese, if you were curious) waiting for him, Fragile Andy runs to the tool shed to weep some very large tears.
May Have Shared More than Hot Beef Injections with Roger: -50 TYP
That whole Jason Grimsley story died down pretty quickly, but not before he refused to adhere to Carmelo Anthony's advice. Caught in the crossfire was none other than Mr. Pettitte. Given that nothing has been proven, and other steroid users have been pardoned by "us" in the past, this does not mean too much.
FINAL TOTAL: +900 TYP
Was there really any doubt? Sure, the Bombers probably overpaid a bit for him this time around, but have there really been any bargain-basement values with regard to marquee free agents this offseason? This move signals a return to glory for the Yankees; no more straight up mercenaries like Randy Johnson and A-Rod and a team reminiscent of the Bronx Zoo. It's time for the tried and true methods of success to be re-employed. I wonder if Ricky Ledee is available...
posted by Sam @ 4:42 PM
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