The most obnoxious ritual in all of sports

And I mean the absolute worst.

There are, of course, many annoying things one might encounter when attending or watching a sports contest.













And there are a lot of obnoxious people in New York who happen to be sports fans.















But there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING uglier than this.


















Now, I know that there are certainly better ones than that I could have found, in which the camera operator diligently pans from one of these overpaid mercenaries to the next, and focuses in as each one of them pretends to give a crap what a bunch of morons who can't even remember what their own names are by giving them a half-hearted and sheepish salute.





But this one, to me, is perfect (if you missed the link above, just click on A-rod's picture) - because you can actually hear the moron with his cameraphone, and the people around him, bumbling through the roll call, and congratulating themselves and one another during the process for demonstrating that they would able to stand in for a bunch of mindless sheep if there were a shortage down on the farm.

And speaking of the farm, is Kevin Maas ready yet? Bernie looks pretty slow out in right field.

Nothing worse, I tell you, nothing. Don't know how many True Yankeehood Points it gets (I'll leave that to you people to decide), but it gets -1000 class points for sure.

- Silk...

The Big Unit - Up Close and Personal

I know, Yankee fans, I know. You don't even want to see this guy's name on a website dedicated to identifying the essence of True Yankeehood, much less his ugly mug.

But here's the thing: being a True Yankee in 2006 may or may not be similar to being one in 1986, or in 1936. In fact, I'm here to say that it absolutely is not the same thing. So we're not ruling anyone out without taking a look at the pros and cons... and there are plenty of cons in the history of Yankeedom... the Boss among them. They wear stripes for a reason.

When we look at the numbers, we see that:

1. Johnson is a very, very good pitcher. He's led the league five times in ERA+, he's averaging almost 11 strikeouts per nine innings for his career, and he's got a tremendous winning percentage considering the fact that he's been on some horrible teams.

2. He's spent only a small fraction of his career in pinstripes. So even if there is some True Yankeehood in there, how much can there really be?

No matter - let's see what, if anything, is Yankeeesque about RJ, what's not, and what is just plain scary.

TRUE YANKEE QUALITIES:

Came to New York via a lopsided deal involving buckets of cash: + 1000 TYP:



See, this is how the Yankees roll. A Hall of Fame bound lefthander with plenty left in the tank, who has beaten the Yankees in the past, comes to the Big Apple for:

• Javier Vazquez,
• Brad Halsey,
• Dioner Navarro,
• oh, yeah, and nine million dollars.

OK, Vazquez is a good MLB pitcher, and managed to actually get noticed by people while he was in Montreal, which is no small accomplishment. But Halsey's a freaking bum who won't be known for anything other than throwing the fat pitch that finally allowed Barry* Balco to tie the Babe, and Navarro's Pat Borders with a Venezuelan passport - mark it down. He'll be a major league catcher for a good long while if he can get and stay healthy, but the fourth "player" on that list was really all the Diamondbacks cared about - you'll notice that none of those three guys are on Arizona's roster any more.



Yeah, okay, Johnson's a hired gun. BFD - so are virtually all of these guys. Coming to the Bronx in exchange for a boatload of cash and three journeymen is as much a part of the Yankee tradition nowadays as this asshole.

If you don't believe me, listen to WFAN or any national sports radio show that serves New York, and wait until either Jerome or Sal calls up (you won't have to wait long - apparently, neither one of them sleeps). The following conversation will invariably occur:

"So, we need some pitchers, huh, Sal/Jerome? It says here that you've got a suggestion as to how to fill those trouble spots and get us back to the World Series where we belong. Let's hear them!"

"Yeah, what if we traded two of Derek Jeter's ex-girlfriends, John Flaherty [more on him later] and J.D. Drew for Johan?"

"Well, Serome, I don't think that's going to fly. First, Flaherty's not actually on the team any more, and second, Drew plays for the Dodgers."

"Yeah, but that's the beauty part. We deal Villone and Terrence Long to the Dodgers for Nomar and Drew, and then send Drew to the Twins to get Johan."

"Sorry, Jal, but there's no way the Twins would do that. They just resigned Johan, and they're not going to part with him now."

"Well, how about if we throw in 19 million bucks?"

"Sounds great! I love the way you always think outside the box - whaddya think, Yankee fans? He might have something here!"

ugh.

The Exploding Dove: + 750 TYP:




OK, I know - he wasn't a Yankee yet. So freaking what? If there's a more True Yankee move than this, I don't want to see it. Basically, you're showing the world that you care even less for everyone and everything else around you than Winfield did when he terminated that pigeon in Toronto with extreme prejudice. True Yankees don't really care what happens to anything that gets in their way, especially if it's lower on the food chain than they are.

"Don't Talk Back to Me!": + 750 TYP



Nothing screams "I'm a 21st-century Yankee" quite like getting your hair cut (sort of, see below), shaving your awful facial hair, and then telling the press to go screw themselves on the way to your physical.

According to the New York Daily News, here's the play-by-play of ONE of the incidents that day:

Cameraman Vinny Everett: "Hey, buddy."

Security guard Jerry Laveroni: "Hey, how ya doing?"

Randy Johnson: "Hey."

Laveroni: "No cameras, man. No cameras."

(Johnson reaches out for lens of camera and points it downward)

Everett: "Hey, what was that? What is that?"

Laveroni: "No cameras!"

Johnson: "Get out of my face, that's all I ask."

Everett: "I'm just taking a picture."

Johnson: "No, you're not."

Laveroni: "No cameras!"

Johnson: "No cameras!"

Laveroni: "I got it Randy, I got it."

Johnson: "All right, don't get in my face. I don't care who you are, don't get in my face!"

Everett: "I'm just taking a picture, it's supposed to be a happy (inaudible)."

Johnson: "Don't get in my face, and don't talk back to me, all right!"

Laveroni: "Come on, Randy."

Johnson: "Or you'll see what I'm like!"

Everett, as Johnson walked away: "Welcome to New York!

And don't think, for a moment, that this was just a case of getting the Big Unit at a bad time, which has certainly happened to me on occasion (generally when that new chick from Publications walks by).

Here are just a few anger management incidents involving Randy over the years; once again, courtesy of the Daily News:
"June, 1988: While pitching for Triple-A Indianapolis in Montreal's system, missed nearly two months with a hairline fracture of fifth metacarpal bone on his right hand for punching a concrete wall. He was traded to Seattle one season later.

June 1998: Initiates a clubhouse fight with Mariners teammate David Segui purportedly because Segui would not lower his stereo.

July 1998: Sparks a bench-clearing brawl between Seattle and Cleveland when he whistles consecutive pitches at the head of Indians outfielder Kenny Lofton, earning a suspension.

Dec. 2003: Following a few years of mutual jealousy and personality conflicts with Johnson, Diamondbacks co-ace Curt Schilling forces a trade, and winds up with the Red Sox, the eventual World Series champions.

July 2004: Johnson and teammate Luis Gonzalez nearly drop the gloves in a dugout runway after Johnson questioned the outfielder's effort following a three-run error that led to an Arizona loss. Johnson reportedly shoved Gonzalez into a water cooler before the two had reached the runway."

He and Sheffield are perfect together - wait until Bonds is the DH! Harmony will reign...

Fighting with the NY press is as Yankee as it gets nowadays, thanks to Reggie, Winfield, Munson, Georgie-pie, Billy Martin, and a host of other characters. Welcome to New York, Randy!

$32 million American schrods at the age of 42: + 1000 TYP

I know. I said above that he had plenty left in the tank. And I think he still does, even now at age 43. But after forking over $9 million for the guy, the Yankees then give him TWO MORE YEARS at $16 million a pop - guaranteed. Only the Yankees would have the audacity for that.


NON-TRUE YANKEE QUALITIES:

2001: - 1500 TYP

OK. Do you remember?
bing!
bam!
boom!


Three beautiful performances, punctuated by the ballsy trip from the bullpen and Mariano blowing it. Now, I know what many of you are thinking here: how can this only count for 1500 measly True Yankee Points? It's a good question, and the answer can be found here.
Take a good look at that team. First, notice how many players are 34 years old or older. Then, see how many of them were purchased for one or two years... look familiar, Yankee fans? That's right! It's YOUR current team's alter ego! (Well, there is one exception...these guys won the World Series).

I cannot, in good conscience, take off more points than that when the team with which Johnson stuck it to the Yankees was basically a mirror image of the Yankees themselves. Hell, the Yankees seemed to like that team - they signed a couple of those fellows themselves, and traded Mondesi (remember him) over there afterwards... with cash, of course.


Grew the Mullet Back out a little: - 50 TYP





He's definitely testing the rules now, I'll give you that. But the original transformation was SO extreme that this can't count against his True Yankeehood that much.

Won't pitch to Posada: - 750 TYP

Although we haven't evaluated him yet, I think Posada's True Yankeehood sort of speaks for itself. Why Johnson prefers to pitch to the likes of John Flaherty, and now Kelly Stinett, is beyond me... one wonders if his bloated ERA has something to do with this.


FINAL TOTAL: +1200 TYP

Face it, Yankee fans: this guy is one of you, and was long before he cut his hockey hair. Finally coming to the Bronx was only fair. The bad news is that I think he's far from done, and that he'll be a big part of the reason why the Evil Empire still has a very real shot at winning it all this year if they can get their M.A.S.H. unit in some semblance of ambulatory condition.

- Silk...